If you haven’t checked out the first round picks in the previous post, you should do that first. And without further ado…
East
(16) Mt. St. Mary’s Athenians over the (9) Arkansas Razorbacks
Although the tough and scrappy wild swine will be an enemy unlike any other, at the end of the day, they’re still just pigs. A phalanx of the founders of democracy out-badasses the porcine warriors of the land of Bill Clinton and Mike Huckabee.
(12) George Mason Patriots over the (4) Washington State Cougars
Once again, you have a group of Americans fighting for liberty against all odds against a relatively small cat. As tough as a cougar might be, more American patriots have stuffed cougars in their living room than cougars have American patriots stuffed in their dens.
While that alone cannot determine which mascot is the badassiest dispositively, the relatively uninteresting and generic nature of the cougar puts GMU on top.
(14) Boise State Broncos over the (11) St. Joseph’s Hawks
Once again, the scowling stallions of Idaho benefit from a lucky pairing. The Hawks made it this far on the weakness of the Sooners, but they can’t be badassier than the Broncs. A bronco could kill a man with one well placed kick, while the hawk would have to peck for awhile. At the end of the day, thundering hooves across the plain trumps diving for field mice and riding thermals on the badass scale.
(2) Tennessee Volunteers over the (10) South Alabama Jaguars
This is a closer call than the Patriots/Cougars matchup, and I initially had the Jags taking this one. Maybe it’s because there’s something cooler about the jaguar when compared to the cougar. After all, a pretty sweet car is named after the jaguar, and the best a cougar can muster for a namesake (besides college sports teams) is a divorced middle aged woman hitting on younger dudes in bars.
But once again, my national pride bubbled up, and the thought of a volunteer army fighting for freedom had me shouting, “Yeah! Badass! Go America!” (Well, not out loud. But still.) Gotta go with the Vols on this one.
Midwest
(16) Portland State Vikings over the (8) UNLV Runnin’ Rebels
It takes an awful lot to out-badass a Viking. Whatever it takes to do it, the whiney Rebels don’t have it. If the Rebels were as badass as the Vikings, they wouldn’t have ran away from their main campus university in the north, changed their name to something petulant, and started over. They would have gathered up weapons and berserkered and pillaged that university until they became their mascot of choice. Portland State takes this one easily with unquestionably one of the badassiest mascots of this tournament.
(4) Vanderbilt Commodores over the (5) Clemson Tigers
This is another apples-to-oranges matchup that is decided largely on the uniqueness and relevance of the Vanderbilt mascot. It’s not like the USS Constitution will lead a fleet of tallships against a bunch of tigers in the jungle. They’re both badass mascots in very different ways. But the tedium of yet another big cat as a nickname ekes this over into Vandy’s column.
(14) Cal State Fullerton Titans over the (6) USC Trojans
The Trojans weren’t necessarily Greek, but they definitely fall within the Hellenic tradition. Greek sources consider them part of the network of Greek city-states, and tradition there had the Trojan King descended from Zeus. But even so, the Trojans couldn’t fend off the Achaeans, and the Achaeans couldn’t keep their finest warrior Achilles alive.
Clearly, these mortals would be no match for the Titans who gave a good go of it with the Olympians themselves. And that means in all this badassity, the Titans of CSF have to come out on top.
(10) Davidson Wildcats over the (2) Georgetown Hoyas
If Davidson beats the Gonzaga Bulldogs, they gotta beat the next stubby legged contenders to come their way, too.
South
(1) Memphis Tigers over the (8) Mississippi State Bulldogs
And another bulldog team goes down to the more badass big cat. Once again, there is clear precedent here from the first round. If a jaguar can outbadass a bulldog (South Alabama vs. Butler), then its larger striped cousin surely can as well.
(5) Michigan State Spartans over the (4) Pittsburgh Panthers
I don’t know why I have to keep saying it – have you see 300, people? Bad. Ass. Period. The panthers got nuthin’.
(14) Cornell Big Red over the (6) Marquette Golden Eagles
This matchup is so weak that I wish they could both lose. But once again, the unofficial mascot of Cornell – the bear – pulls out a win for the scarlet school. I can’t ignore the badassity of the fact that they used real, actual bears at Cornell for a time to rally their team (I wonder if there was ever any “make those buckets or else” threats…). But I also can’t ignore that they’ve kept the bear unofficial, which substantially limits its badassiness in application.
Still, against the Golden Eagles, I have to give it to Cornell. Golden Eagles are fairly small, and the “Golden” conjures too much pomposity and pretention in my mind to give them enough badass points to put them over the top of Cornell. Maybe if they hadn’t used a real bear…
(7) Miami Hurricanes over the (2) Texas Longhorns
This is a tough one with two great mascots. The longhorns are tough and badass, but at the end of the day, they’re still cows. And I can ignore the unrelenting destructor that is a hurricane bearing down on anything, and so Miami takes this one leaving an otherwise worthy team washed away in its flood waters.
West
(16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils over the (8) Brigham Young Cougars
Satan is a powerful force in college basketball, apparently. Beelzebub’s endorsement of Duke in years past has always kept the Badassiest Mascot Bracket from completely falling apart. But now the Lord of the Flies has loyalties as cloven as his hooves, and this sixteen seed super-Cinderella story of the South is going to go far because of it. If the Devil (or a whole squad of them) can beat a Bruin, they’ll have no trouble dispatching the cougars.
(13) San Diego Toreros over the (5) Drake Bulldogs
It seems indisputable that a husky is a badassier dog than the bulldog. (Can you imagine a team of bulldogs running the Iditarod?) Therefore, if the cape wavin’ San Diegans can out-badass a husky, they surely can do the same against a bulldog. And after all, they’re bullfighters. This one is about as obvious as it gets.
(6) Purdue Boilermakers over the (3) Xavier Musketeers
This is a great example of where who would win in a straight fight isn’t necessarily dispositive. A group of well trained musketeers could mow down a mob of steelworkers before the later could get too close. But are those bearers of old, inefficient, inaccurate firearms really more badass than a speeding locomotive named the Boilermaker Express? I don’t think so.
Some non-binding but still persuasive authority from the comic book world is also helpful here. Superman was “more powerful” than a locomotive, but was merely “faster” than a speeding bullet. “Powerful” is clearly more badass than “fast”. Purdue wins.
(2) Duke Blue Devils over the (7) West Virginia Mountaineers
Once again, his name is Legion and he is in all ways more badass than a bunch of Appalachians traipsing around the woods looking for coal to mine. The fact that Duke’s devils are “blue” takes them down a notch or two, but not nearly enough to defeat the already weak West Virginia mascot. And remember kids, “badass” doesn’t necessarily mean “cool” or “good”!
Next week – on to the Sweet Sixteen!
