Which team’s mascot badassity will lead their team to victory? Scroll on down. (Here are the First and Second Rounds, in case you missed ’em.)
East
(8) George Mason Patriots over the (16) Alabama State Hornets
Hornets are badass – no doubt about it. But they didn’t take on the most powerful empire in the world at the time and establish what would become the world’s oldest written Constitution still in effect while creating the most wealthy nation the planet has ever seen. To be fair, the hornets are still really mean and they have better body paint colors, but it’s not quite enough.
(12) UAB Blazers over the (13) Princeton Tigers
Yum! Second tiger BBQ in a row! This one isn’t even close.
(6) Xavier Musketeers over the (14) Indiana State Sycamores
Who knew any member of a French military unit would acquire so many victories? On the other hand, it’s against a tree. And neither of these two teams’ secondary mascots have anything to be proud of. Some school that rhymes with Zavier must have greased the Selection Committee’s palms a little bit, if you know what I mean…
(10) Georgia Bulldogs over the (2) North Carolina Tarheels
I can just see this Bulldog walking around the shipyard with a cigar in his mouth, screaming that the pitch isn’t being applied to the hulls well enough. “Damnit, you Tarheels, seal that boat up tight! Real men have to use that to get to the fight! Argh!”
West
(1) Duke Blue Devils over the (8) Michigan Wolverines
I do love the Wolverines, and this is actually a pretty close call. But in the end, the power of the underworld wins out over a forest creature, no matter how savage.
(13) Oakland Golden Grizzlies over the (12) Memphis Tigers
This starts to be a close call, but there’s something a little extra badass about the Grizzly. Especially this one.
(14) Bucknell Bison over the (6) Cincinnati Bearcats
Here the goofy logo with the goofy ‘stache is bested, proving that you can sometimes be less than the sum of your parts. Tell me – which one of these mascots is more likely to have fire coming out of its nostrils? Exactly.
(2) San Diego State Aztecs over the (10) Penn State Nittany Lions
One of these mascots used to slaughter the other, and then wear it’s skin like a cape and its hollowed out head as a hat. That one is more badass than the other.
Southwest
(8) UNLV Runnin’ Rebels over the (1) Kansas Jayhawks
Kansas got lucky in their first round, but the prairie bird can’t hang on in a contest like this for long. And here, the Nevada facial hair and chin completely outstrips beak and feathers. (Do you hear that Cincinnati? That’s how a mascot ‘stache is DONE!)
(5) Vanderbilt Commodores over the (13) Morehead State Eagles
Of all the Eagle mascots, Morehead State’s is the most badass of this tournament. But in the end, it’s still just a bird. Compared to the war fleet? Sorry.
(3) Purdue Boilermakers over the (11) USC Trojans
As badass as these ancient Greek warriors were, they had a terrible Achilles heel (so to speak!). The Trojans were great in one-on-one battle with other people, but were fooled by large hollow fabrications approaching their city on wheels. Sorry, boys – you just can’t argue with technological progress.
I got some guff on Facebook from some Purdue haters, arguing that the train is useless on its own without an engineer to do the driving. Maybe. But the nickname is the Boilermakers, so there’s a whole army of steel workers behind that train. And the train is moving, so it’s not a leap to presume a driver of some kind.
Besides – as I said before, I can’t let personal animus stop me from a fair assessment of badassity. And the Boilermakers are definitely in the upper echelon of the Badass.
(10) Florida State Seminoles over the (2) Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Both of these are highly rated badass mascots, but in the end, the struggles of the Seminoles over the insipid forces of the condescending politically correct give them battle scars the Irish can’t match. Don’t get me wrong, I know the Irish have had their own struggles. But no one forced them to walk the Trail of Tears or made a historically inaccurate Europe video about their experiences. And their mascot was never in actual danger of extinction and survived.
Southeast
(16) UA – Little Rock Trojans over the (9) Old Dominion Monarchs
The Arkansan Trojans are luckier than their West Coast brothers – they don’t have a big contraption to fight or get tricked by. And I just don’t see these ancient budding democrats laying down for some other king, represented by a lion or otherwise. (The fact that it’s a lion also works in their favor historically – it was the symbol of the Persians.)
(13) Belmont Bruins over the (12) Utah State Aggies
The Aggies put up a huge fight here with their bull mascot, but in the end, they’re still farmers. And the bull has a nose ring, which may be cool in some circles, but denotes either loser punk-dom or a willingness to be led around. Besides – look at that bear. It looks fully insane and ready to rip pretty much anything and anyone apart.
(6) St. John’s Red Storm over the (3) BYU Cougars
The power of a killer storm beats a cat any day. Even Elmer Fudd was a badass for a short time when he was able to control the weather with his spear and magic helmet – did he ever beat Bugs Bunny any other time? Oh, the things cartoons can teach us…
(10) Michigan State Spartans over the (2) Florida Gators
Again, the Greeks versus an animal. No contest here.
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The next and final post will reveal the final rounds and the national champion!
