First Principles

Here’s the last of them – scroll down for ever-increasing badassity, and find out who is the badassiest mascot of the field of 68!  (Here are the First, Second, and Third rounds, in case you missed them.)

Sweet Sixteen

(12) UAB Blazers over the (8) George Mason Patriots

Interestingly, the Patriot mascot and the dragon of the Blazers seem to have chosen a similar color scheme.  I have to say it’s much better suited to the dragon.  That, and they can breath fire.  Even though the US is the most badass nation on the planet, just think of how more badass it would be if the Founding Fathers could have breathed fire…  Alas, you go play basketball with the patriots you have, not the fire breathing patriots you wish you had, and so the Blazers take this.

(10) Georgia Bulldogs over the (6) Xavier Musketeers

The Musketeers made it much farther in this bracket than they ever really deserved to, but their run is at a righteous end in this matchup against the manliest bulldog in the NCAA.  (No knock on the manliness of other NCAA Bulldogs.  Well, maybe a couple of them.)   I mean, can you imagine a bulldog like that putting up with a blue frickin’ blob?  I don’t think so.

(1) Duke Blue Devils over the (13) Oakland Golden Grizzlies

I think Oakland had the badassiest bear of them all in this Bracketae Ursus*, but they can’t defeat the devil.  Or even a devil.  Now, if it were a demon bear…  Hey, new colleges – something to think about…

* Is this real Latin for “Bracket of the Bears”?  I don’t know, but the nice thing about dead languages is that they aren’t around to complain about being abused.

(2) San Diego State Aztecs over the (14) Bucknell Bison

Bison are total badasses, of course, but they stop short of building pyramids and sacrificing their enemies on top of those pyramids.  It’s evil, but awfully badass. 

(5) Vanderbilt Commodores over the (8) UNLV Runnin’ Rebels

At some point a kick ass ‘stache and a tremendously manly jawline can only get you so far – you don’t see Tom Selleck racing around Hawaii any more these days, after all. 

(3) Purdue Boilermakers over the (10) Florida State Seminoles

If the Boilermakers can steam over a bunch of trained warriors from Troy, the Floridian tribe won’t fare any better.  Although it’s fair to point out that the Seminoles never to my knowledge were fooled quite so spectacularly by such a stupid ruse as a wooden horse.

(16) UA – Little Rock Trojans over the (13) Belmont Bruins

I think it’s pretty well established by now that Greek Warriors will pretty much always trump an animal.  Now if the Bruins got together and made shields, it would be a different thing.  Heck, even some body armor.  Something to think about for Belmont’s future costume designers. 

(6) St. John’s Red Storm over the (10) Michigan State Spartans

Weather has had a huge military impact throughout history, demolishing plans, strategies, and whole military units.  Ask Napoleon what a little bad weather can do to an otherwise totally badass army.  If I could command The 300 or The Weather, I know which I’d choose.  In fact, the weather played an important role at Thermopylae, keeping Persian ships from simply sailing around the pass the Spartans held.  Now that the shoe is on the other foot, the Spartans, while undeniably overflowing with their own badassity, don’t stand a chance.

Elite Eight

(12) UAB Blazers over the (10) Georgia Bulldogs

I’m sorry to see Georgia go down – this is a Bulldog you stand up and salute in the morning, by God.  But again – it’s hard to beat firebreathing and flying when it comes to badassity. 

(2) San Diego State Aztecs over the (1) Duke Blue Devils

This was a close call.  The supernatural evil almost always trumps, but the Aztecs make a special case here.  They did a lot of bloodthirsty, scary stuff, and they did it out in the open.  At least the devil respects written contracts, even if only strictly and literally construed.  Taken as a whole, I have to give the overall badassity prize to Aztecs in this matchup.  Besides – the Gods of the Aztecs themselves are damned bloody, and I think would make the western Lucifer blush.  Again, not endorsing this particular form of badassity, just acknowledging it for what it is.

It would actually be interesting if there was a team called, “The Fiddlers.”  Not very badass in and of itself, but fiddling has a history of devil-beating.  That would be quite an upset for Duke – “Play “Chicken in the Breadpan, baby!”  But I digress – to my knowledge, the Aztecs hadn’t yet invented fiddlin’.

(3) Purdue Boilermakers over the (5) Vanderbilt Commodores

I know a naval fleet could probably pummel a train, but only if the train were within range.  I still think the inherent badassity of train rushing towards you head on is more badass.  Given the Commodore’s hat, I have to assume he’s not commanding a more modern fleet of warships, which might otherwise have tipped this game the other way. 

(6) St. John’s Red Storm over the (16) UA – Little Rock Trojans

If the Storm could defeat the Spartans, it without question would swamp the Trojans.  Indeed, in The Illiad, Zeus tries to stay out of the fight against Troy, and even shows a lot of sympathy to the Trojans, but ultimately acknowledges their fate to be doom.  Bad news when you can’t get the God of the Skies on your side when your opponent is, well, the Skies. 

Final Four

(12) UAB Blazers over the (2) San Diego State Aztecs

I imagine a fight between these two paragons of badassity to be an incredible display of flaying dragons spewing fire from pyramids while Meso-American Warriors fight to the last man, calling upon their badass gods for support.  In the end, there would be that last man, and he would probably taste pretty good roasted over dragon flame.  I wish this had been the championship game, but then the brackets are what they are.

(6) St. John’s Red Storm over the (3) Purdue Boilermakers

This is the end of the line for the badass train and the steelworkers who stand behind it. 

Championship Game

(12) UAB Blazers over the (6) St. John’s Red Storm

I went back and forth here – the might of the weather has proven itself, and a storm would be especially fearsome to an airbound creature.  It’s hard to picture the actual conflict here.  In the end, the badassity of the magical firebreathing creature trumps.  Both can fry you from the air, but the dragon will look you in the eye before he does it.  It’s the ability to select and attack specific targets instead of wasting energy over a wide swath that give the badass edge to the Blazers.

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Congrats in advance to UAB, and we’ll see you in this space next year for more Mascot madness!