The badass wheat is starting to be separated from the lame-ass chaff – but who will be the badassiest of them all?
South Region
The (16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils over the (8) Iowa State Cyclones
A fire manipulating Cajun Imp is pretty badass, but one of the most destructive and unpredictable forces of nature might give MVSU a run for their demonic money. But that damn bird sitting on top saps too much badassity – it would be like putting a clown nose on Darth Vader.
The (5) Wichita State Shockers over the (13) New Mexico State Aggies
Gun or lasso, the Aggies just can’t overcome the ongoing ballsiness of Wichita’s state’s filthy minded nickname.
When they sell Urban Dictionary inspired gear on the official college website, you know they've taken it to the next level.
I’m pretty sure that Aggie turns away in disgust every time he sees Wichita’s jerseys, which may save his soul, but leaves the basket wide open.
The (11) Colorado Buffaloes over the (3) Baylor Bears
Bison may look sedate, but they’re actually quite agile, and can move really fast when they want to. Bears are undeniable badass, but if I had to pick one to unleash on my enemies, I think I’d pick the fast running ton of prairie ungulate with horns.
Baylor may have survived this with a more badass logo, like Belmont’s, especially considering how Colorado’s is sort of weak.
The (2) Duke Blue Devils over the (7) Notre Dame Fighting Irish
It’s hard to see how even the most pugnacious, drunkest, meanest, fightinest leprechaun can out-badass a mascot who rules the realm of Hades. The Irish had best start practicing their politese, or Duke will lay their souls to waste…
West Region
The (1) Michigan State Spartans over the (8) Memphis Tigers
In the famous Battle of Thermopylae, the Spartans were doing battle with Persia, whose symbol has always been a lion. While the famous “300” didn’t survive that battle, they were far more badass than the entire forces of Persia, which means even back then, a weak, generic mascot proved fatal even where the numbers should have suggested a different outcome.
Tigers are bigger and more badass than lions, but not by much. History teaches us that the Spartans will win this one.
The (5) New Mexico Lobos over the (13) Davidson Wildcats
If decades of cartoons has taught us anything, it’s that cats always lose. Mice and birds outsmart them, and dogs just pound them into cartoony pulps. Now make it wolves instead of a bulldog, and you get the picture. The oh-so-generic wildcats just can’t compete here.
The (14) BYU Cougars over the (11) Colorado State Rams
Rams may have the horns, but they just don’t have the mass. And here again is an example of just how much logo design matters in calculating overall badassity. That cougar is going to have lamb chops for dinner in this matchup.
The (15) Norfolk State Spartans over the (7) Florida Gators
In spite of the primordial badassity of a Gator, they can’t top the martial badassity of a phalanx of Spartan warriors.
I'm not saying this guy isn't somewhat badass for being a 'gator hunter. But if HE can overcome the reptile... Just sayin'.
East Region
The (8) Kansas State Wildcats over the (16) UNC-Asheville Bulldogs
Ordinarily, dogs beat cats. But the ridiculous rendering of an otherwise badass dog breed kills it. This was close, but no cigar. Again, logo design matters – Gonzaga would have won this matchup.
The (13) Montana Grizzlies over the (5) Vanderbilt Commodores
Sure, a Commodore may have more actual firepower at his command. But I’ve met and even worked for many Commodores, and none of them have inspired the badass fear that a surly, howling grizzly bear would command. Also, a grizzly wouldn’t be caught dead in that hat.
The (3) Florida State Seminoles over the (11) Texas Longhorns
A longhorn is the most badass cow possible, but at the end of the day, it’s still just a cow. And given the previously described badass history of the Seminole’s mascot, the tribe out-baddasses the herd.
The (10) West Virginia Mountaineers over the (15) Loyola (MD) Greyhounds
Let’s face it – the Greyhounds are only even here because they had the good fortune of only having their badassity challenged so far by a tree nut. Against a real opponent, who is badass enough to survive in the rugged back woods, the skinny pooch doesn’t stand a chance.
Midwest Region
The (9) Alabama Crimson Tide over the (1) North Carolina Tarheels
Just because Alabama sports a red elephant, and this is a conservative political blog, you can’t deny that objectively speaking the Crimson Tide is more badass than a bunch of shipyard workers. It’s an interesting matchup, though, with both schools employing an amorphous name supplemented by a badass animal. But as badass as those goat horns are, the tusks of the elephant are just… more.
The (4) Michigan Wolverines over the (12) South Florida Bulls
Bulls are unquestionably badass, but they’re still domesticated cows who eat grass and acquiesce to a big ring being put through their nose. They may be bigger than a wolverine, but the wolverine is just so much scrappier and angrier.
Ordinarily, the lack of a logo of some kind would count against Michigan. But for some reason in this case, I feel like the mystery it adds only increases the overall badassity of the wolverine.
Oh, and they still benefit from helping win WWIII. Just sayin’.
Michigan will be feasting off of this cache of badassity for another century or so. Or at least until they ruin the original Red Dawn with the looming remake.
The (6) San Diego State Aztecs over the (14) Belmont Bruins
Belmont has one of the best bears ever rendered as a logo, but it can’t out-badass the ancient civilization so badass they built an empire that bordered two oceans and built huge pyramids before bothering to invent the wheel.
The (15) Detroit Titans over the (10) Purdue Boilermakers
A charging locomotive is pretty badass. But Titans have been known to do this to the ruler of the freakin’ Universe:
Yeah - that's Cronus doing exactly what it looks like he's doing. To his DAD, who up until this exact point rules the entire known universe. When Thomas the Train does that to Sir Topham Hatt, come talk to me. Until then, this isn't even close.
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The next post will reveal the National Champion – get out your brackets, and get ready to win some pools!
