First Principles

Without further ado, let’s trace out the rest of the badassiest bracket!

Sweet Sixteen

The (16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils over the (5) Wichita State Shockers

The Shockers had a great run, but dirty-minded chutzpah can only take you so far.  You can’t out-dirty-mind the devil, after all.

No, sorry. Now, now - please put your clothes back on. There's nothing badass about begging...

The (2) Duke Blue Devils over the (11) Colorado Buffaloes

In this horned matchup, the Sons of Perdition outdo the mere mortal bovines.

Hmmm... That Blue Devil beard looks familiar, too...

The (1) Michigan State Spartans over the (5) New Mexico Lobos

As a general rule, a bunch of trained warriors with weapons and shields will overcome pretty much any animal, although this is closer that it might otherwise have been given the cooperative hunting style of wolves.

The (15) Norfolk State Spartans over the (14) BYU Cougars

Oh, you saw 300 too?  So you know how this one turns out…

The (13) Montana Grizzlies over the (8) Kansas State Wildcats

It’s rare for something as generic as a wildcat to even get this far, but KSU has benefited from particularly un-badass opponents – up until now.

The (3) Florida State Seminoles over the (10) West Virginia Mountaineers

This is a pretty evenly matched game, but FSU gets the edge due to their badass mascot history.

The (9) Alabama Crimson Tide over the (4) Michigan State Wolverines

Wolverines are pound for pound one of the most badass of nature’s creatures.  But no one ever harnessed up a wolverine to attack Rome from the Alps.

The (15) Detroit Titans over the (6) San Diego State Aztecs

The Atecs are in the top tier of badassity, what with all that ripping out still-beating hearts and all.  But once again, the Titans always take it to the next level – by eating their own children alive.

This will also be the bloodiest game in NCAA history.

The Elite Eight

The (16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils over the (2) Duke Blue Devils

In this underworld Battle Royale, the less cartoonish, more flame-producing version of the Lord of the Flies wins out in the end.  The Duke logo just looks like he’s resting on his evil laurels, and that’s just not good enough at this level.

The (1) Michigan State Spartans over the (15) Norfolk State Spartans

It’s fun to have two apples vs. apples matchups like this, and it really all comes down to mascot/logo design.  In this case, Michigan’s is a bit dull – “spartan” even.  But there’s no question he looks ready to spread his badassery all over the court.  The Norfolk Spartans on the other hand, look vaguely befuddled, and less robust.  Michigan State takes this in a bloody squeaker.

The (3) Florida State Seminoles over the (13) Montana Grizzlies

I struggled with this one.  The Seminoles are totally badass, but so is the lumbering grizzly.  And I can only imagine the havoc an angry bear would wreak on an Indian village of old.

But in the end, the Seminole’s history and fighting spirit carry them through one more round.

The (15) Detroit Titans over the (9) Alabama Crimson Tide

One beef about the Titans I haven’t mentioned before.  In spite of a whole pantheon of proto-gods to choose from, the costume Detroit chose was of a run of the mill Greek/Roman warrior.  If there was a closer matchup, that could really hurt them.

But in the end, as badass as the elephant/tsunami of blood is, it can’t top the progenitor of the whole of mankind.

The Final Four

The (1) Michigan State Spartans over the (16) Mississippi Valley Delta Devils

The forces of darkness are generally badass, but they can be defeated by determined and noble people – otherwise we’d be pretty screwed as a species.  And there is precedent for this, too – in the 2009 Badassiest Bracket, the Spartans defeated the Sun Devils in the final game (Michigan almost won that game in real life, too…)

The (15) Detroit Titans over the (3) Florida State Seminoles

The PC-defying Seminoles had a great run, but they can’t stand up to the beings who sired the Gods of Olympus.

The Championship Game

The (15) Detroit Titans over the (1) Michigan State Spartans

I like how the final game came down to the roots of human myth and legend.  And if those legends are any guide, it’s clear that you need some Olympians to take down Titans.

Now THIS is how a basketball tournament should end...

The only reason humans are a factor at all is because the Gods can be played off of each other, and use us like pawns.  If they actually united against mankind, we’d be squished like grapes, drowned in an overwhelming, galactically devastating display of badassity.

And so the Titans win this year’s tournament – and you can take that to the bank!*  See you next year!

~~~

* Please don’t try to take it to the bank.